


Not Hollow, Not a Knight

by MMidnight26



Category: Hollow Knight (Video Games)
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, Post-Canon, Suicidal Ideation, Suicide Attempt, iselda only shows up for a brief moment now that im thinking about it, someone give this baby a hug and proper medical care, thk is struggling to come to terms with the fact that they actually have a mind, what do you Mean i have thoughts i never wanted to do that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:42:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25614511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MMidnight26/pseuds/MMidnight26
Summary: It seemed they would fail at everything they did.They failed at staying hollow.They failed at protecting their kingdom.And now they failed at dying.
Relationships: The Hollow Knight | Pure Vessel & Hornet
Comments: 5
Kudos: 77





	Not Hollow, Not a Knight

**Author's Note:**

> it's in the tags but i want to emphasize: this fic revolves around coping with suicidal thoughts and there IS attempted suicide, so please don't read if you can't.

Another sleepless night. 

Their recovery had been going exactly as Hornet had planned, though Hollow was still getting used to their impaired eye and lack of an arm. Though they were still… _weak,_ they were alive, and that was enough for her.

But… why?

The two of them had hardly known each other, only interacting when Hornet would visit the White Palace, and even _then,_ they couldn’t talk to each other. Not like they’d be able to _talk_ in the first place.

So why did she stay outside the Black Egg? Why did she help them when they climbed out after the Radiance’s defeat? 

Why did she… keep them alive?

They had a purpose. A clear, thought-out purpose. They were to be raised and trained as a knight so they would contain the Infection and the god behind it. That was their only purpose. That was their only reason to be alive. That was the only reason they should’ve been kept around.

But when the Radiance tortured their body, they knew for a fact that they would not survive. Their strength only came from Her. She cracked through their mask, ruined their body, rotted their arm, nearly blinded them. They would never have been able to survive. 

They just wanted to see the outside one last time before they died a knight’s death. Before they fulfilled their purpose and would eternally sleep.

And Hornet ruined it all.

They had no purpose now! They had completely failed all the aspects of their name- they weren’t _hollow,_ and now they’re nothing but a sorry excuse for a knight. They did nothing but cost Hornet food and medical supplies and _time._ Time that could be spent doing much more valuable things than trying to keep some idiot alive when _they should’ve died the moment they were done with their duty!_

Not to mention they were a failure from the start, but that was a fact they had long come to terms with. They were very aware of the fact that they were the reason their father’s dead, they’re the reason that Hallownest is nothing but a ruin, and they’re the reason that they need Hornet’s help with doing things that would require two hands and they need Hornet’s help with navigating the crossroads because they’d bump into every pillar that came on their right and--

They clawed at the crack on their eye. Hornet always tells them not to pick at it because it’ll only make it worse but it’s something to do with their hand and it feels good and it _reminds them of how they should’ve died the moment the Radiance was gone-_

They stood up.

They were more than done with their purpose and they refused to cause any further burden on anyone.

They will finally be put to sleep.

The house wasn’t particularly _big,_ the rooms could be navigated fairly quickly and they knew exactly what they were looking for.

Their hand trembled as they grabbed a kitchen knife. Sturdy, well built. Enough to cut through the hardest of chitin, through the tenderest of meat.

Their sister would be burdened no longer.  
Their service finally complete.  
The Hollow Knight finally put to rest.

Their heart fluttered as they lined up the blade, their hand knowing the motion perfectly.

As perfect as how the blade pierced their chest. Pierced their weak heart.

Such sweet nostalgia.

.  
.  
.  
.

It was hard to tell where they were when they woke. It was hard to tell anything, for that matter. Their eyes were clouded, almost blacked out, as they found it hard to hear or even move.

A voice.

_"Here, here, put this on them."_

It felt familiar, but they couldn't exactly place where- _oh GODS DAMNIT--_

A searing cold seeped through their chest, the feeling flowing through their veins and practically everywhere that void could touch.

A shuddering breath shook their shoulders, their throat hoarse as they tried to move. It felt like they were full of rocks, their joints scraping with every twitch and breath.

A familiar voice that time.

_"Oh holy shit, they're alive."_

Hornet.

Warm hands were placed on their mask as their neck was craned to the left suddenly.

"Dear, we should give them rest-"

"Hollow? Hollow, look at me."

Their vision cleared just slightly- just enough to see their sister's face in front of them.

They shook as they were gently put back down, still in shock from whatever liquid was put inside them. Inside… inside their wound.

In the wound they made.

Damnit. 

They were still alive.

Their senses slowly came back, it getting easier and easier to see where they were. It seemed they were in the living room, on some sort of cot or blanket as something was wrapped around their chest. Being bandaged up by- by _Iselda,_ that's who that other bug was.

It got hard to move, not from their injury, they knew that. They could lose an arm and still act like they were perfectly fine. Just as a hypothetical, though. Obviously hypothetical. But it was hard to move just in the sense that they didn't have the _energy_ to move. They didn't want to make it out of that, and now here they were, being bandaged up on their own living room floor.

In the fog of it all, they could still hear Hornet's voice at the other side of the room.

“Damnit, this is going to take so much longer now.”

Hollow huffed quietly and turned on their side, away from Iselda.

“Sweetie, I can’t help you if you’re turned away from me.”

They tucked their head close to their chest as best they could.

She sighed. “Alright, then.”

They heard her retreating footsteps, most likely leaving just them and Hornet. Their head felt heavy and they felt limp on the blanket.  
It was probably Hornet that found them and she called for help. Iselda was a warrior at one point, so it made sense she knew how to bandage wounds with- lifeblood? It must’ve been lifeblood, judging by the faint blue smears on their chest.

Damnit, they weren’t even good at dying.

A flash of red at their side and they begrudgingly rolled onto their back again.

“What were you _doing?_ ” Hornet cried. “Are- are you _okay?_ What happened to-”

They quickly shoved her away, curling up again and trembling.

“Hollow, _please!_ I can’t just find you _stabbed_ in the kitchen and be fine with you _not explaining!”_

She hopped over to their other side, crouching down at their eye level.

“Please, I need to know if you’re okay! Or at least how it-”

She pulled their hand away from their face, revealing dark tears running down their cheeks.

“H-Hollow…”

They smacked her hand away with a hiss as they signed out a few shaky words.

“Stop caring about me.”

They glared at her exasperated face as they knew what she was going to say next. 

“What- what do you _mean_ I should ‘stop caring about you’? You’re my _sibling!_ I want to help you, I-”

Hollow stood up, still clutching at the bandages around their chest as they walked away from her without another word. They didn’t want to have to say another word to her. She’s the reason they still had to linger here, why they couldn’t just die in peace. Maybe they could jump from the Howling Cliffs. Maybe they could seek out the void. Maybe they could find _literally any other place of this godforsaken kingdom that’s fallen to nothing but dangerous rubble._

They couldn’t even get out the front door before Hornet dashed in front of them, her arms outstretched at her sides.

“I’m not letting you leave without telling me what’s going on. Who stabbed you?”

Hollow gave a furious point to themselves, stamping their foot with agitation.

Hornet’s arms faltered a little at the gesture as she stared up at them.

“You… no.”

They gave a nod at her, practically dripping with irritation as they just wanted to leave here and just _leave forever, finally be able to sleep forever._

Their signing got harsh and quick as they practically spelled it out for her.

“I went to the kitchen and stabbed myself. Are you happy?”

“No!” she immediately yelled. “I’m _not_ happy because I don’t want to think that you _stabbed_ yourself! I’m not having you just- just throw away your _life_ like this!”

She put her face in her hands for a moment before looking back up at them.

“Hollow, please. You don’t deserve this.”

They leaned down to her level, practically nudging her against the door with their snout as they signed out another sentence.

“You’re right. What I deserve is a proper knight’s death, but I didn’t even get that. All I got is permanent damage and the knowledge that I’m going to be a burden on you for as long as I’m around.”

“You’re _not_ a burden on me!” Hornet cried. “You’re my sibling and I swear to any gods left, I’m going to make sure you feel loved and cared about! You’re not done with living, not if I can help it!”

Another attempt at opening the door had them quickly yanked over to the side by their sister as she pulled their face down to hers. 

“At least tell me why.”

They threw their head back with a silent groan before letting themselves be pulled onto the couch with her.

“Just-” Hornet murmured, still clutching their bicep. “Just tell me why you wanted to do it.”

Hollow slowly pulled their hand back up, hesitant.

“I had come to terms with my death when I was still in the Black Egg. I knew that once the Radiance left, I would die. I spent years with the knowledge that I would fulfill my purpose and I would die nobly. And…”

They made a fist for a moment.

“And now that I’m… still alive, it feels… wrong. I’m not supposed to be still alive and I’m nothing but a sorry excuse for a knight who exists only to make you waste your food and medicine.”

Hornet pulled their mask to her face suddenly.

“I _want_ you here. And I think that counts as a purpose. You’re going to get better and you’ll get- get a _hobby_ or something, something that makes you happy and lets you know that there’s something to do other than being a fucking _martyr._ ”

She threw herself back down onto the couch, crossing her arms.

“I’m not letting you die for a stupid reason like this.”

She looked… mad. 

“You’re the only family I have left, Hollow,” she muttered, glancing at them again. “I’m not losing someone else.”

Hollow fidgeted with their hand for a moment before they scooted closer to her, resting their head on top of her horns and wrapping their arm around her as she not-so-subtly leaned against their chest.

They would stay.

For her.

**Author's Note:**

> yes this was a vent fic yes im okay now no i didnt do anything bad  
> wasnt gonna post this at first because i was like "these feelings are a little too personal for me and i think i just wanna keep this for myself" and then i finished writing it and went "actually these arent my feelings anymore theyre hollows so im fine with this <3" and now im here


End file.
